There are plenty of fish in the sea. Of all the cliche lines you can give or recieve, this is the one I dislike the most. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea but some of them are bottom feeders. Besides, Im allergic to shellfish so I would prefer not to fall in love with someone who could kill me (although that does sound dangerously intruiging).
I decided to actively search for these 'fish' to prove my point and decided to go to the most common pool I could think of: match.com. I created a profile, added some pictures that I thought made me look good and cleverly cut everyone else out of them. I put in a few common buzzwords such as 'optimistic', 'honesty', and 'adventure' all while making myself sound as amazing as possible. I suspect if I was brutally honest my profile would read something like this:
"I am married to my job and really don't have time for a boyfriend unless you are also married to your job. I eat dinner over my kitchen sink and watch Golden Girls almost every night before bed. Bad decisions is my hyphenated middle name, I hate bachelorette parties, and I visit my parents almost daily even though I only live a mile away from them. I laugh at really stupid things, sarcasm comes naturally and I would do absolutely anything for my friends, family, and coworkers because they mean the world to me."
Instead it came out like this...
"Im Kailey, always willing to try something new yadda yadda yadda I like Italian food yadda yadda yadda I like making people happy yadda yadda yadda I will be honest with you if you are honest with me....bladda bladda blah"
Allright, fluff piece created. Lets see if I can catch any fish. Also I should mention that I did not pay for this at all. I am opposed to the idea of paying for a boyfriend - just like I am also opposed to fraternities and sororities because it is like paying for friends. What can I say, Im cheap and I have acquired some pretty good friends for free thank you!
The first guy that showed interest in me had the username 'Booger77' - jackpot. In his details he put random things in quotes like 'heart on my sleeve' and also 'fly by the seat of my pants'. These do not need to be in quotes, I know they are cliche phrases to express how intense and charming you are. Oh, and he doesn't own a TV - random fact that he felt was necessary to share.
The next one was my friend, that may be awkward if I don't respond.
Another guy is a Platinum member. What does this mean? It means that he has paid so much for his membership that people who don't pay for theirs can mooch off of him. Allright I will bite, lets see what his email says:
"So your job deals with travel. What is your bachelors degree in that you get to deal with travel so much? Have you been to a lot of places? Have you been out of the country? Whats your favorite state?
Hope to hear from you, "
Holy question overload Batman!! So I checked out his profile and the only thing he listed under Favorite Things was the show Lost. No thanks, hopefully someone else can benefit from your Platinum status.
The final one I will highlight (because trust me, I could write a book on this if I keep it going long enough) is a divorced man who immediately described himself as used goods. Props for being painfully honest! He also made it a point to note that he in fact DOES own the suit he is wearing in his profile pictures, for what it is worth. I would like to think I'm not shallow enough to fall for that, but a man in a suit is always sexy. Always. He went on to mention various things that he enjoyed which included blankets, breathing, and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I too enjoy breathing, we have more in common that I though we would.
If you are ever in the mood to do lazy people watching and Facebook stalking has lost its charm, I would highly recommend searching around on Match.com. God love all of you who have actually found love on that site and who put your hearts out there, but I'm allergic to fish and that pool is a little too shallow for me.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Facebook Stereotypes
It is I, Kailey! I realize its been some time since I have jotted down my thoughts and for all 2 of my fans, I apologize. I would always get really good topic ideas on my way into work and then 12 hours later when Im sitting in front of my computer all I could do is play mindless games and surf Facebook.
Speaking of Facebook, I was perusing it this morning and realized that I have some really predictable and/or nutty friends on there. They full embrace the stereotype they have been labeled and make everyone else look bad. For example...
1) The Like Addict
You know this person well because they show up EVERYTIME you update your status. They never comment or provide any insightful thoughts, just a simple thumbs up and they are done. The Like button is tricky because you can either really mean it or you are just too busy to write anything so you throw up the 'like'. Which is fine, except if you literally like everything. At first I didnt really notice because she would only like a few things. Then she started liking my friend's status updates. Then my family. Now she has moved on to liking the comments people post on my status on top of my status! Its out of control and I feel slightly violated - all because of a stupid thumb.
2) The "Cool Story Jeopardy Contestant"!
For those of you who watch the Soup you know exactly what this means: someone who tells a story or a tidbit of one and you are left with an udder sense of confusion as to why they decided to share that. I also noticed that this person does not typically post their story until a lot of people have responded to the comment, thus maximizing the crappiness of said story to people who probably dont know them. Once I wrote "Man I wish I could sleep in every Monday" and a few people commented with their approval, and then Jeopardy came along.
"One time I slept in on Monday but it was because my power went out and the alarm didnt go off. LOL"
NO LOL! That wasn't funny, that was unneccessary and I refuse to laugh at that.
3) The Obvious Question Kid
This one is my favorite - basically that person responds to your comment by asking you a question that can obviously be answered by said status update. A friend of mine put up a few days ago "People ask me why Im single" and some brain trust responded back: "Wait, youre single?" No, Im just a compulsive liar about my dating habits, Im trying to cut back. Who asks that?! Or if you put up a hobby you are currently doing, like "Going to play the piano for Grandma" and you get back, "You play the piano? Rockin!!" Nope, I dont play at all, its just something cool to say.
Stop asking dumb questions people, youre making the apes look smarter.
4) The Overly Sensitive Facebooker
One of my dear friends falls into that category and I believe she embraces it to its full extent. This person gets offended if you detag yourself from that picture he/she posted of you doing a kegstand while wearing half your clothes or the one where you LOOK drunk, but really it was just a candid shot that failed miserably. These are not pictures I want my family, coworkers, or even friends to see half the time so please dont get offended that I am hiding my shame. We are at a point in society that we need to present ourselves well at all times because you never know who is watching, and somehow I dont think posting a video of Brazilian Fart Porn on my wall is going to convey that. So lets use some discretion people!
Speaking of Facebook, I was perusing it this morning and realized that I have some really predictable and/or nutty friends on there. They full embrace the stereotype they have been labeled and make everyone else look bad. For example...
1) The Like Addict
You know this person well because they show up EVERYTIME you update your status. They never comment or provide any insightful thoughts, just a simple thumbs up and they are done. The Like button is tricky because you can either really mean it or you are just too busy to write anything so you throw up the 'like'. Which is fine, except if you literally like everything. At first I didnt really notice because she would only like a few things. Then she started liking my friend's status updates. Then my family. Now she has moved on to liking the comments people post on my status on top of my status! Its out of control and I feel slightly violated - all because of a stupid thumb.
2) The "Cool Story Jeopardy Contestant"!
For those of you who watch the Soup you know exactly what this means: someone who tells a story or a tidbit of one and you are left with an udder sense of confusion as to why they decided to share that. I also noticed that this person does not typically post their story until a lot of people have responded to the comment, thus maximizing the crappiness of said story to people who probably dont know them. Once I wrote "Man I wish I could sleep in every Monday" and a few people commented with their approval, and then Jeopardy came along.
"One time I slept in on Monday but it was because my power went out and the alarm didnt go off. LOL"
NO LOL! That wasn't funny, that was unneccessary and I refuse to laugh at that.
3) The Obvious Question Kid
This one is my favorite - basically that person responds to your comment by asking you a question that can obviously be answered by said status update. A friend of mine put up a few days ago "People ask me why Im single" and some brain trust responded back: "Wait, youre single?" No, Im just a compulsive liar about my dating habits, Im trying to cut back. Who asks that?! Or if you put up a hobby you are currently doing, like "Going to play the piano for Grandma" and you get back, "You play the piano? Rockin!!" Nope, I dont play at all, its just something cool to say.
Stop asking dumb questions people, youre making the apes look smarter.
4) The Overly Sensitive Facebooker
One of my dear friends falls into that category and I believe she embraces it to its full extent. This person gets offended if you detag yourself from that picture he/she posted of you doing a kegstand while wearing half your clothes or the one where you LOOK drunk, but really it was just a candid shot that failed miserably. These are not pictures I want my family, coworkers, or even friends to see half the time so please dont get offended that I am hiding my shame. We are at a point in society that we need to present ourselves well at all times because you never know who is watching, and somehow I dont think posting a video of Brazilian Fart Porn on my wall is going to convey that. So lets use some discretion people!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
New Music!
My friend Kat just recommended a new artist to me that is on her record label and I love her so much I have to share with everyone:) I love Kat for having the same taste in music as me, especially when she makes recommendations!!
Melanie Fiona, look her up. Actually here, I will do it for you:
http://www.melaniefiona.com/
I love "Monday Morning" and "Give It To Me Right"
Think Alicia Keys meets Leona Lewis meets Shaka Khan.
What do you think?
Melanie Fiona, look her up. Actually here, I will do it for you:
http://www.melaniefiona.com/
I love "Monday Morning" and "Give It To Me Right"
Think Alicia Keys meets Leona Lewis meets Shaka Khan.
What do you think?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Crossroads of Chaos
Recently in Omaha the Crossroads Mall was put up for auction. For those of you who do not live in this fine city and may be unaware of the Mall, it was THE place to go when I was younger. Unfortunately, it also hit its peak when I was younger and now it is a desolate, empty shell of a building held up only by Target and Barnes & Noble.
A lot of people have been posting their ideas of what should become of this once bustling mall: A Nebraska version of Power & Lights, a hub for a tram system, parking for UNO, etc. The fate has not been made public just yet, so I would like to throw my idea into the pool to see if there are any takers.
Actually let me preface this by saying that it is not just my idea. It is actually a collection of ideas that came to fruition over a few drinks with my very clever friends. Our idea is to turn Crossroads mall into a strip mall. Below are just a few of the stores that would go up, but the possibilities are truly endless.
1) Belts in the Mall - this is one of the greatest names of an actual store found at Westroads mall. What do they sell? Where do they sell it? Gone are the days of asking those arbitrary questions - its all in the name! Anything from the seat belt to the garter belt to Grain belt beer- if the word belt is in the name, we will probably sell it.
2) Sock N Smocks - have you ever needed a smock and just didn't know where to turn? Me too! Seriously, where do you buy a good smock these days? Well fret no more, this store specializes in smocks. We also have matching socks so you don't have to look like a fool when you wear your smock out with your sandals in the middle of summer.
3) Blake's Rakes - contrary to what this name says, we actually sell shoes here. The store idea came up when we found out that the founder of Tom's Shoes' name is actually Blake. <> I feel like Ive been supporting a lie all this time, so now its my turn to lie to the public. Are you in desperate need of a rake for your fall yard work? Don't come here, we don't have them. Sucker.
4)Fenanigans - this one is a restaurant with amazing food. It actually started when our favorite local bar, Finnegans, was becoming too routine for me. I wanted to try somewhere else and broaden my horizons, but apparently my friends had a different agenda. They tried to tell me that there was a new bar in town that had amazing food and drink specials and it actually went up right where Finnegans was. The name? Fenanigans. I don't know about you, but I sensed a lie. So we are turning their lie into a profitable business, which makes us all winners!
5)Make It Personal - this store sells revenge. If you ever say this name out loud you have to shake your angry fist in the sky. We also sell monogrammed towels.
6) House of Suck - we sell vacuums, nuff said
7) Richard's Spirits - liquor store most commonly referred to as Dick Liquors
8) HobNobbies - this store sells high end party supplies. You must wear a mink stole and/or monocle when shopping here.
9) Coming Soon - this will be a restaurant, and yes it will be coming soon.
I'm sure you will agree after seeing the potential that each of these stores have that our idea should replace Crossroads Mall. If you are interested in purchasing the land for us, please let me know. I promise you wont be disappointed.
A lot of people have been posting their ideas of what should become of this once bustling mall: A Nebraska version of Power & Lights, a hub for a tram system, parking for UNO, etc. The fate has not been made public just yet, so I would like to throw my idea into the pool to see if there are any takers.
Actually let me preface this by saying that it is not just my idea. It is actually a collection of ideas that came to fruition over a few drinks with my very clever friends. Our idea is to turn Crossroads mall into a strip mall. Below are just a few of the stores that would go up, but the possibilities are truly endless.
1) Belts in the Mall - this is one of the greatest names of an actual store found at Westroads mall. What do they sell? Where do they sell it? Gone are the days of asking those arbitrary questions - its all in the name! Anything from the seat belt to the garter belt to Grain belt beer- if the word belt is in the name, we will probably sell it.
2) Sock N Smocks - have you ever needed a smock and just didn't know where to turn? Me too! Seriously, where do you buy a good smock these days? Well fret no more, this store specializes in smocks. We also have matching socks so you don't have to look like a fool when you wear your smock out with your sandals in the middle of summer.
3) Blake's Rakes - contrary to what this name says, we actually sell shoes here. The store idea came up when we found out that the founder of Tom's Shoes' name is actually Blake. <> I feel like Ive been supporting a lie all this time, so now its my turn to lie to the public. Are you in desperate need of a rake for your fall yard work? Don't come here, we don't have them. Sucker.
4)Fenanigans - this one is a restaurant with amazing food. It actually started when our favorite local bar, Finnegans, was becoming too routine for me. I wanted to try somewhere else and broaden my horizons, but apparently my friends had a different agenda. They tried to tell me that there was a new bar in town that had amazing food and drink specials and it actually went up right where Finnegans was. The name? Fenanigans. I don't know about you, but I sensed a lie. So we are turning their lie into a profitable business, which makes us all winners!
5)Make It Personal - this store sells revenge. If you ever say this name out loud you have to shake your angry fist in the sky. We also sell monogrammed towels.
6) House of Suck - we sell vacuums, nuff said
7) Richard's Spirits - liquor store most commonly referred to as Dick Liquors
8) HobNobbies - this store sells high end party supplies. You must wear a mink stole and/or monocle when shopping here.
9) Coming Soon - this will be a restaurant, and yes it will be coming soon.
I'm sure you will agree after seeing the potential that each of these stores have that our idea should replace Crossroads Mall. If you are interested in purchasing the land for us, please let me know. I promise you wont be disappointed.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Please Prepare the Cabin for Conversation
I recently went down to San Antonio for work and realized a passion of mine that I haven't experienced in awhile: talking to the people next to you on a plane. I only started doing it once I started college because I was such a wallflower in high school you had to force me to talk to someone back then.
Its refreshing to start up a conversation with a complete stranger. Everyone has their own story and whether they like to admit it or not, they love talking about it. You find out where they are from, where they are traveling to and before you know it they are telling you about their 3 kids back home and how they need to find a perfect present for them.
One time I was on a plane to Orlando and I was working on a research paper on airline crashes. I had a book open with graphic pictures and a case report of the latest aircraft accident on my lap. The elderly gentleman sitting next to me said 'Miss, you may want to be careful who you show that to on this plane, I think there are some first timers on board'. Oops. I was so engrossed in my reading to even think that he may have a fear of flying so I quickly apologized and started packing up. He told me not to worry because he was a skydiver from Australia and had jumped out of over 4,000 airplanes. He was never worried about them crashing because he could always just jump out of them if they did. That sparked a long conversation about my education and where I planned on taking it and he offered some great advice. I still have his business card and I swear one of these days I am going to go Australia to skydive with him.
This past week I sat in between two good sized men on the way to San Antonio. I was tired and cranky and the last thing I wanted to do was become a sardine on the tin can of Continental Airlines (the song "Stuck in the Middle with You" kept playing on loop in my head). Well the guy to my right, who looked liked Lou Ferigno and Jack LaLaine's lovechild, started talking to me about where I was going and why I was going there. Turns out he owns the largest chain of fitness centers in Arkansas and was on his way to meet with some investors. The guy to my left as it turns out was a fuel salesmen going to the same conference as me. He gave me a rundown of what the conference would entail and also some pointers about where to go after the 'work' was over. We all exchanged business cards and I ended up finding Eric the fuel salesmen at the conference and said hi. Had I just put on my iPod and fell asleep on the plane like I had originally planned I would have missed out on Lou Ferigno Sr giving me running tips and my new friend at the NBAA conference.
Trust me, if you are faced with the option of talking to your neighbor or just putting on your headphones, I highly suggest talking. You never know who you might meet.
Its refreshing to start up a conversation with a complete stranger. Everyone has their own story and whether they like to admit it or not, they love talking about it. You find out where they are from, where they are traveling to and before you know it they are telling you about their 3 kids back home and how they need to find a perfect present for them.
One time I was on a plane to Orlando and I was working on a research paper on airline crashes. I had a book open with graphic pictures and a case report of the latest aircraft accident on my lap. The elderly gentleman sitting next to me said 'Miss, you may want to be careful who you show that to on this plane, I think there are some first timers on board'. Oops. I was so engrossed in my reading to even think that he may have a fear of flying so I quickly apologized and started packing up. He told me not to worry because he was a skydiver from Australia and had jumped out of over 4,000 airplanes. He was never worried about them crashing because he could always just jump out of them if they did. That sparked a long conversation about my education and where I planned on taking it and he offered some great advice. I still have his business card and I swear one of these days I am going to go Australia to skydive with him.
This past week I sat in between two good sized men on the way to San Antonio. I was tired and cranky and the last thing I wanted to do was become a sardine on the tin can of Continental Airlines (the song "Stuck in the Middle with You" kept playing on loop in my head). Well the guy to my right, who looked liked Lou Ferigno and Jack LaLaine's lovechild, started talking to me about where I was going and why I was going there. Turns out he owns the largest chain of fitness centers in Arkansas and was on his way to meet with some investors. The guy to my left as it turns out was a fuel salesmen going to the same conference as me. He gave me a rundown of what the conference would entail and also some pointers about where to go after the 'work' was over. We all exchanged business cards and I ended up finding Eric the fuel salesmen at the conference and said hi. Had I just put on my iPod and fell asleep on the plane like I had originally planned I would have missed out on Lou Ferigno Sr giving me running tips and my new friend at the NBAA conference.
Trust me, if you are faced with the option of talking to your neighbor or just putting on your headphones, I highly suggest talking. You never know who you might meet.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Apartment Hunting...the Saga
Apartment hunting is dumb. I was half tempted to just post the blog after I typed that sentence because it so adequately describes my feelings right now. I have done my research on every apartment I want to live in and they all end up falling short of my expectations when I get there to look at them. Why is this? Are my expectations too high? Should they all be charged with false advertising? I highly doubt I will get answers to these questions. The least I can do is share my trials and tribulations so you will feel sorry for me.
The first place I went was the Old Market Lofts. I was really excited about these because I thought it would be awesome to live to close to work and be right there on the downtown action. I sent in my 'whats available?' card and noted that I was not willing to spend more than $800 on rent each month. I walk in and first of all the girl did not even introduce herself to me - she just started asking me questions about how I heard about the place (as if the giant brick building that says "OLD MARKET LOFTS" isnt enough) and so on and so forth. Then she takes me on a tour and only speaks if I ask her a question. Well thats helpful. The first apartment she shows me is $850...ok, pretty sure thats not what I wanted. The kitchen was the size of a walk-in closet and the bedroom could maybe fit my bed and a small table...maybe. The next one she says she is going to show me is $950. Oh, great! Its only $150 more than what I told them I was willing to spend, no big deal. So needless to say that did not work out.
I was so frustrated after that visit that I went over to the Johnson's and played drinking SVU with Kelcy. I find that whenever life gets you down it is always best to play a drinking game while watching your favorite drama on TBS. After that I had absolutely no motivation to look at apartments in person so I have now resorted to asking my friends to do it for me. Oddly enough no one has signed up to find me an apartment. Until I find the one place that I can call home I am sure there will be more stories to affirm how nutso this process is.
The first place I went was the Old Market Lofts. I was really excited about these because I thought it would be awesome to live to close to work and be right there on the downtown action. I sent in my 'whats available?' card and noted that I was not willing to spend more than $800 on rent each month. I walk in and first of all the girl did not even introduce herself to me - she just started asking me questions about how I heard about the place (as if the giant brick building that says "OLD MARKET LOFTS" isnt enough) and so on and so forth. Then she takes me on a tour and only speaks if I ask her a question. Well thats helpful. The first apartment she shows me is $850...ok, pretty sure thats not what I wanted. The kitchen was the size of a walk-in closet and the bedroom could maybe fit my bed and a small table...maybe. The next one she says she is going to show me is $950. Oh, great! Its only $150 more than what I told them I was willing to spend, no big deal. So needless to say that did not work out.
I was so frustrated after that visit that I went over to the Johnson's and played drinking SVU with Kelcy. I find that whenever life gets you down it is always best to play a drinking game while watching your favorite drama on TBS. After that I had absolutely no motivation to look at apartments in person so I have now resorted to asking my friends to do it for me. Oddly enough no one has signed up to find me an apartment. Until I find the one place that I can call home I am sure there will be more stories to affirm how nutso this process is.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
In the event of a water landing...
So the other day I had finally reached my breaking point with a friend of mine...we shall call him Murray because I think thats a funny name. I had been blown off for the 3rd time in a week and it all just exploded when I got the last 'I cant make it' text. At the epitome of my frustration my friend Jo came into the picture and let me vent. God really knew what he was doing when he created the patient friends who allow you to just vent all your frustrations and sort it out before you go nutso. So I told her the story of my day and all she said was...
"Kailey, he is like the Titanic. The best thing to do is put on your fur coat and hop on the last boat out of there"
Funny how a bit of advice meant in jest could actually put everything into perspective! Murray is my Titanic. He was great and wonderful at first and all I wanted was to be a part of his allurement. Everything was great until we hit that damn iceberg. However, much like the Titanic, it was unavoidable. It was a big, looming iceberg that in the back of our minds always knew could appear without warning - we just always hoped our friendship would be stronger. The damage was done, but we kept on trucking and I truly believed that we could still stay afloat. Even when the water was rushing in around my feet I STILL thought we would be ok. I held on as long as I possibly could and refused to give up - that is, until I realized that all my efforts to save the sinking ship were useless. I heard the call for the last rescue boat so I grabbed what I had left of my pride and paddled away.
Its hard to leave something you always thought was so strong and reliable. Its even harder to realize that there was nothing you could have done to save it. So while I will always have the memories of that magical trip, I also have the ability to paddle away with my head held high and knowing that a ship, whether it be friend or cruise, is only as strong as you build it to be.
"Kailey, he is like the Titanic. The best thing to do is put on your fur coat and hop on the last boat out of there"
Funny how a bit of advice meant in jest could actually put everything into perspective! Murray is my Titanic. He was great and wonderful at first and all I wanted was to be a part of his allurement. Everything was great until we hit that damn iceberg. However, much like the Titanic, it was unavoidable. It was a big, looming iceberg that in the back of our minds always knew could appear without warning - we just always hoped our friendship would be stronger. The damage was done, but we kept on trucking and I truly believed that we could still stay afloat. Even when the water was rushing in around my feet I STILL thought we would be ok. I held on as long as I possibly could and refused to give up - that is, until I realized that all my efforts to save the sinking ship were useless. I heard the call for the last rescue boat so I grabbed what I had left of my pride and paddled away.
Its hard to leave something you always thought was so strong and reliable. Its even harder to realize that there was nothing you could have done to save it. So while I will always have the memories of that magical trip, I also have the ability to paddle away with my head held high and knowing that a ship, whether it be friend or cruise, is only as strong as you build it to be.
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