November 27th started as normal as any Tuesday could: went to work, answered some phone calls and grabbed some lunch with my coworkers. We were sitting there at the dining table when my brother Jack called my cell phone. I thought he was just calling to tell me about his new braces, but my sister was on the other end and she sounded distressed.
"Kailey, you need to come home now. Its Mom"
My heart sank. I had that wave of panic that comes over you when the teacher calls on you and you've been on Facebook the whole time and don't know what she just said. My boss could see the confusion in my eyes so he immediately got up and said he would drive me home. On the ride home I didn't know if I should cry or pray or just sit there and not think about it. I figured she probably just had an asthma attack and was being rushed to the ER to make sure she got back to breathing normal. No big deal, we have gone through this before. Something in my sister's voice told me that this was not the case, I just didn't want to believe it.
After a few more phone calls I was told to go to the Methodist ER to meet my sister. Ok, I thought, it really was just an asthma attack. Thank goodness. Shannon met me outside and gave me a big hug and as we were walking in to the ER I casually asked, "So, how is she doing?".
"She didn't make it."
That is the exact moment that my entire world and everything I believed fell apart. For those of you who have lost a family member, especially a parent or child, you know this sinking feeling and all you can do is cry. I dropped to my knees and screamed "Oh God why?!" over and over in the ER hallway. I'm sure these doctors and nurses have seen their fair share of sorrow every day, but I decided to spare them and eventually got up to meet the rest of my family in a private room. It was there that I found out my youngest brother Jack was the one who found her in her bedroom. He had come home to show her his new braces and found her unconscious on her floor. He called my dad right away and then immediately called 911 - words cannot express how proud I am that he thought of that on his own. He is such a great kid. After awhile of sitting there and crying I asked the uncomfortable question, "What now?". Dad wasn't sure, but he knew that we didn't need to be there anymore. We headed home and began what would be a week long ordeal of friends, family, cards, hugs and food to feed an army.
My mother's funeral was packed with friends and family. When I got up to speak at her wake I was blown away by the number of people who had shown up from all over the country to pay their respects. She touched so many people both directly and indirectly over the course of her lifetime, I'm sure those who were there was only a small fraction. I received so many cards from people that simply said, "I didn't know your mother, but if you are any reflection of her I'm sure she was a great lady." I'm only great because my mom and dad raised me that way, so they get all the credit for that one. The memories that people have shared with us over the past month have been a beautiful reminder that she isn't really gone so long as people keep those memories alive. Please don't ever stop sharing those with us, those memories are what give us strength.
People ask how I'm holding up and how my family is doing. We are doing about as well as expected I suppose. I stay strong because I need to for my siblings and dad. Sometimes I find myself tearing up at a song or a memory, but that's because we had so many memories and now that's all they will ever be. One night I went over to try and find an apron she wanted to give my cousin Olivia. I couldn't find it anywhere and I realized that I could no longer run into her room and ask where she put it - I went home and cried the rest of the night. I have all of her voice mails saved on my phone and sometimes I will play them just to hear her say "I love you Kailey Doll, call me back". It's funny how something that at the time was so insignificant is now the one thing that keeps her close to me.
I miss her cinnamon rolls. I miss her leaving her coffee mug in the microwave. I miss the month long celebration of her birthday that always started the day after mine. I miss sitting on the over sized chair in her room and just talking about the day and watching TV Land. I miss the hair bows she made us, even when I was older she would make me one. I miss her searching everywhere for her glasses only to realize she hung them on her shirt collar. I miss clipping coupons and saving Pet Prints from Hy-Vee for her. I miss her braiding my hair before sporting events. I miss her 3rd of July party and how excited she got to have everyone over. I miss her saying "I'm going to go put my feet up" or "Be a good googie". I miss the treasure hunts she would put on for our birthday parties. I miss the pillow she carried around with her so she could see over her dashboard. I miss her conversations with the animals. I miss the poems she left in my lunches. I miss going over to see her when I was sick because she always made me feel better. I miss the songs she would sing just because. I miss her listening to music while cooking. I miss her goofy stories that never seemed to have a point but she was so excited to tell them that I didn't have the heart to stop her. Most of all I miss the simple "I love you Kailey Doll" I would get every time I left their house.
I love you too, Mom. To the moon and back.
