I have a penchant for being attracted to ugly things. Doesn't matter what it is, if it's ugly I will love it. The first real example is a dog I had named Murphy. He was, for lack of a better word, hideous. The shelter had found him on the side of a road and he was so matted that they had to completely take all his hair off. He had to wear sweaters in the summer so his poor doggy skin wouldn't get sunburnt and when you pet him it felt like you were petting a warm ballsac. Did I mention he farted? A lot.
Turns out grandma couldn't handle Murphy and one day while I was at work she dropped him off at the shelter. Imagine my surprise when I came home to find no ugly ballsac dog to greet me! That was the first time I was ever mad at my grandma.
I told you that story for two reasons: one, because I still miss that dog and this is part of the healing process and two, it confirms that I am bat shit crazy.
Fast forward a few years....
My new obsession is going to garage sales to see all the beautiful crap people are trying to make money off of. Nine times out of ten the stuff is beyond repair or just plain useless, but if you look hard enough you find a gem or two hiding in crap. My sister and I (along with her friend who was unaware of my craziness) decided to go to the Omaha Community Playhouse prop sale to see what fun stuff we could find. Most of it was junk, but there were some cool paintings and vintage furniture that would complement a crazy cat lady's house.
While we were walking through the aisles we found a shelf that was marked "Toys: 50 cents each" and on it were stuffed animals that looked like they came from the Island of Misfit Toys. We glossed over the items and were about to call it a day when I saw a head poking out of the pile with only monk like ring of hair on it. I immediately grabbed it out of the pile and what I saw when it emerged was beyond my wildest dreams. It was the creepiest doll I had ever seen.
The doll was dressed in a pink cloth that resembled a toga, and it was clear that he used to be a clown but hard times washed away all the joy. After the initial shock wore off, I collected my thoughts and immediately searched for two quarters."You're not actually going to buy that, are you?" my sister questioned.
"Well of course I'm going to buy it, look how creepy he is!" I exclaimed
"That doesn't mean you have to buy it"
"....well....yes it does?"
Little sisters just don't get it. I grabbed my new treasure and headed over to the cashier, but not before picking out a new wicker sleigh for my mom because Cheryl loooves wicker. I walked up and the elderly lady at the register asked what I was purchasing for the day. "One sleigh and two creepy dolls please!" I could hardly contain my excitement. I gave the lady my money and away I went with my treasures. Finally, my precious and I were together.
When I got back to work I immediately whipped him out and tried to come up with a name. The usual creepster names came to mind: Chester, Sid, Larry, and Vladimir, but nothing seemed to fit. Then it hit me: Felipe! Not only does it sound exotic, but it rhymes with creep. Felipe the Creep was born anew, so now it was time to show him off. The general reaction to Felipe was less than welcoming, and the more he stared at you the more you realized he was gazing into your soul. Naturally I had to capitalize on this and had him keep an eye on Cheryl at work.
I plan on advertising Felipe's services if you need a special guest for a birthday party or bar mitzvah, which will come in handy if you hate your kid. Until then, sleep with one eye open!