There are plenty of fish in the sea. Of all the cliche lines you can give or recieve, this is the one I dislike the most. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea but some of them are bottom feeders. Besides, Im allergic to shellfish so I would prefer not to fall in love with someone who could kill me (although that does sound dangerously intruiging).
I decided to actively search for these 'fish' to prove my point and decided to go to the most common pool I could think of: match.com. I created a profile, added some pictures that I thought made me look good and cleverly cut everyone else out of them. I put in a few common buzzwords such as 'optimistic', 'honesty', and 'adventure' all while making myself sound as amazing as possible. I suspect if I was brutally honest my profile would read something like this:
"I am married to my job and really don't have time for a boyfriend unless you are also married to your job. I eat dinner over my kitchen sink and watch Golden Girls almost every night before bed. Bad decisions is my hyphenated middle name, I hate bachelorette parties, and I visit my parents almost daily even though I only live a mile away from them. I laugh at really stupid things, sarcasm comes naturally and I would do absolutely anything for my friends, family, and coworkers because they mean the world to me."
Instead it came out like this...
"Im Kailey, always willing to try something new yadda yadda yadda I like Italian food yadda yadda yadda I like making people happy yadda yadda yadda I will be honest with you if you are honest with me....bladda bladda blah"
Allright, fluff piece created. Lets see if I can catch any fish. Also I should mention that I did not pay for this at all. I am opposed to the idea of paying for a boyfriend - just like I am also opposed to fraternities and sororities because it is like paying for friends. What can I say, Im cheap and I have acquired some pretty good friends for free thank you!
The first guy that showed interest in me had the username 'Booger77' - jackpot. In his details he put random things in quotes like 'heart on my sleeve' and also 'fly by the seat of my pants'. These do not need to be in quotes, I know they are cliche phrases to express how intense and charming you are. Oh, and he doesn't own a TV - random fact that he felt was necessary to share.
The next one was my friend, that may be awkward if I don't respond.
Another guy is a Platinum member. What does this mean? It means that he has paid so much for his membership that people who don't pay for theirs can mooch off of him. Allright I will bite, lets see what his email says:
"So your job deals with travel. What is your bachelors degree in that you get to deal with travel so much? Have you been to a lot of places? Have you been out of the country? Whats your favorite state?
Hope to hear from you, "
Holy question overload Batman!! So I checked out his profile and the only thing he listed under Favorite Things was the show Lost. No thanks, hopefully someone else can benefit from your Platinum status.
The final one I will highlight (because trust me, I could write a book on this if I keep it going long enough) is a divorced man who immediately described himself as used goods. Props for being painfully honest! He also made it a point to note that he in fact DOES own the suit he is wearing in his profile pictures, for what it is worth. I would like to think I'm not shallow enough to fall for that, but a man in a suit is always sexy. Always. He went on to mention various things that he enjoyed which included blankets, breathing, and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I too enjoy breathing, we have more in common that I though we would.
If you are ever in the mood to do lazy people watching and Facebook stalking has lost its charm, I would highly recommend searching around on Match.com. God love all of you who have actually found love on that site and who put your hearts out there, but I'm allergic to fish and that pool is a little too shallow for me.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Facebook Stereotypes
It is I, Kailey! I realize its been some time since I have jotted down my thoughts and for all 2 of my fans, I apologize. I would always get really good topic ideas on my way into work and then 12 hours later when Im sitting in front of my computer all I could do is play mindless games and surf Facebook.
Speaking of Facebook, I was perusing it this morning and realized that I have some really predictable and/or nutty friends on there. They full embrace the stereotype they have been labeled and make everyone else look bad. For example...
1) The Like Addict
You know this person well because they show up EVERYTIME you update your status. They never comment or provide any insightful thoughts, just a simple thumbs up and they are done. The Like button is tricky because you can either really mean it or you are just too busy to write anything so you throw up the 'like'. Which is fine, except if you literally like everything. At first I didnt really notice because she would only like a few things. Then she started liking my friend's status updates. Then my family. Now she has moved on to liking the comments people post on my status on top of my status! Its out of control and I feel slightly violated - all because of a stupid thumb.
2) The "Cool Story Jeopardy Contestant"!
For those of you who watch the Soup you know exactly what this means: someone who tells a story or a tidbit of one and you are left with an udder sense of confusion as to why they decided to share that. I also noticed that this person does not typically post their story until a lot of people have responded to the comment, thus maximizing the crappiness of said story to people who probably dont know them. Once I wrote "Man I wish I could sleep in every Monday" and a few people commented with their approval, and then Jeopardy came along.
"One time I slept in on Monday but it was because my power went out and the alarm didnt go off. LOL"
NO LOL! That wasn't funny, that was unneccessary and I refuse to laugh at that.
3) The Obvious Question Kid
This one is my favorite - basically that person responds to your comment by asking you a question that can obviously be answered by said status update. A friend of mine put up a few days ago "People ask me why Im single" and some brain trust responded back: "Wait, youre single?" No, Im just a compulsive liar about my dating habits, Im trying to cut back. Who asks that?! Or if you put up a hobby you are currently doing, like "Going to play the piano for Grandma" and you get back, "You play the piano? Rockin!!" Nope, I dont play at all, its just something cool to say.
Stop asking dumb questions people, youre making the apes look smarter.
4) The Overly Sensitive Facebooker
One of my dear friends falls into that category and I believe she embraces it to its full extent. This person gets offended if you detag yourself from that picture he/she posted of you doing a kegstand while wearing half your clothes or the one where you LOOK drunk, but really it was just a candid shot that failed miserably. These are not pictures I want my family, coworkers, or even friends to see half the time so please dont get offended that I am hiding my shame. We are at a point in society that we need to present ourselves well at all times because you never know who is watching, and somehow I dont think posting a video of Brazilian Fart Porn on my wall is going to convey that. So lets use some discretion people!
Speaking of Facebook, I was perusing it this morning and realized that I have some really predictable and/or nutty friends on there. They full embrace the stereotype they have been labeled and make everyone else look bad. For example...
1) The Like Addict
You know this person well because they show up EVERYTIME you update your status. They never comment or provide any insightful thoughts, just a simple thumbs up and they are done. The Like button is tricky because you can either really mean it or you are just too busy to write anything so you throw up the 'like'. Which is fine, except if you literally like everything. At first I didnt really notice because she would only like a few things. Then she started liking my friend's status updates. Then my family. Now she has moved on to liking the comments people post on my status on top of my status! Its out of control and I feel slightly violated - all because of a stupid thumb.
2) The "Cool Story Jeopardy Contestant"!
For those of you who watch the Soup you know exactly what this means: someone who tells a story or a tidbit of one and you are left with an udder sense of confusion as to why they decided to share that. I also noticed that this person does not typically post their story until a lot of people have responded to the comment, thus maximizing the crappiness of said story to people who probably dont know them. Once I wrote "Man I wish I could sleep in every Monday" and a few people commented with their approval, and then Jeopardy came along.
"One time I slept in on Monday but it was because my power went out and the alarm didnt go off. LOL"
NO LOL! That wasn't funny, that was unneccessary and I refuse to laugh at that.
3) The Obvious Question Kid
This one is my favorite - basically that person responds to your comment by asking you a question that can obviously be answered by said status update. A friend of mine put up a few days ago "People ask me why Im single" and some brain trust responded back: "Wait, youre single?" No, Im just a compulsive liar about my dating habits, Im trying to cut back. Who asks that?! Or if you put up a hobby you are currently doing, like "Going to play the piano for Grandma" and you get back, "You play the piano? Rockin!!" Nope, I dont play at all, its just something cool to say.
Stop asking dumb questions people, youre making the apes look smarter.
4) The Overly Sensitive Facebooker
One of my dear friends falls into that category and I believe she embraces it to its full extent. This person gets offended if you detag yourself from that picture he/she posted of you doing a kegstand while wearing half your clothes or the one where you LOOK drunk, but really it was just a candid shot that failed miserably. These are not pictures I want my family, coworkers, or even friends to see half the time so please dont get offended that I am hiding my shame. We are at a point in society that we need to present ourselves well at all times because you never know who is watching, and somehow I dont think posting a video of Brazilian Fart Porn on my wall is going to convey that. So lets use some discretion people!
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