The only thing we have to fear...is everything.

Fear is such an invasive emotion. It can completely cripple a person, leaving nothing but a soiled pair of shorts and an out of control heartbeat. Everyone is afraid of something, whether they admit it or not, but how do these fears come about? I think there is a difference between 'fear' and 'things that you dont like'. I personally do not like Miley Cyrus but in no way do I fear her (unless she became a zombie, Im pretty sure that would be horrible).

There are two things in particular that I fear: bleeding from the mouth and shellfish. One is completely warranted and one I have no effing clue how it developed but it is borderline psychotic.

I used to love shellfish. I remember vividly going up to Seattle to visit family and eating oysters in the half shell over the fire. I also remember helping my Uncle Buck ride out into the ocean to collect his crab traps so we could dunk the poor bastards in a buttery garlic sauce. I salivated at the thought of 4th of July parties because that almost always meant there would be shrimp cocktail. Shellfish was my friend and I loved it.

One weekend in college I went up with some friends to visit our friend Kat in Minnesota. We were having a great weekend and decided to go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. I of course ordered oysters in a half shell, a tip of the hat to my Seattle days. I got through two of them and I noticed my forearms were getting really red. And then itchy. No big deal, probably just all the mosquito bites I got from being outside all day. But the more I itched, the more they popped up. Then it got a little hard to breathe. While all this is going on my friends were out paying the bill and making their way back. I didn't say much, just wheezed that I needed Benadryl. So one girl is completely freaked out and gives me a paper bag to breath into. This would help if it wasn't already hard enough to breath, but I appreciated the attempt to help. Kat was still new to town and wasn't 100% where a Walgreens or pharmacy was so we went to a gas station. I popped those babies like they were candy and quite honestly the next thing I remember is driving back to Omaha the next day - but not before I had a dream about a sweet northern voice telling me to rest and visit an allergist when I got home (I suspect this was the nurse that dealt with me).

So I booked an appointment with the allergist when I returned to the homeland. Heed my warning, do not visit an allergist unless you absolutely have to. I'm sure there are other ways of determining if you have a food allergy but the route my doctor went was pricking my forearm over and over again with different allergens to see how I reacted. BLECH! No thanks - after 12 skin pricks he finally determined that I was allergic to shellfish, or some chemical found only in shellfish.

So with that knowledge I was extra cautious about what I ate. For awhile I would not eat anything that came from the ocean because what if that fish ran into a crab or shrimp and its chemicals got on it? No thanks, I will pass on the chance to have my throat close up again. I have lightened up a lot since then and will even go to sushi restaurants on occasion, but the fear still lingers that my next bite may be what sets me on a one way trip to the hospital.

Ok so the next fear, I will admit, is stupid. It is stupid until you are the one dealing with it. I cannot handle bleeding from the mouth or seeing other people bleed from the mouth. I am honestly not sure where or when it developed but Im pretty sure there is not a support group for it. Once I was at a friends house and he wanted to watch Kill Bill. I hadn't seen it but it was by Quentin Tarantino so how gory could it be? (har, har). The opening scene is of Uma Thurman laying on a church floor covered in blood, and her teeth are broken and bloody. (On a side note, I just got terrible goosebumps writing that) Well the blood and the teeth were so overwhelming that I ran for the bathroom to throw up. As I was running I could feel my stomach getting tighter and the power to hold it in was fading. I made it about halfway before I spewed behind his couch. I have rendered people speechless on a few occasions, but this one was by far the most awkward. I started crying because I was so embarrassed and disgusted because I had no idea where that came from, but he assured me it was probably just something I had ate. I actually believed that for awhile until I had my wisdom teeth removed. They knocked me out and when they were done and woke me up they had me sit up very slowly. I did but not before catching a glimpse of the bloody bib and gauze on the table next to me - I instantly passed out from the sight. Ever since then I cannot floss unless I close my eyes or watch someone bleed from their mouth without getting sick to my stomach - thank God Im past losing my baby teeth.

Beep Beep goes the car

My apartment complex hates people with cars. It is a well known fact that if you do not call it a night before 10pm you will have to park in the proverbial BFE. I ran into this dilemma last night after sober cabbing some friends home after the 2am bar close. As I approached the lighted sign for my apartment I had my fingers crossed that someone left after hours early right outside my building. No dice. I also found myself driving extremely slow and looking in every cul-de-sac for potential spots - if I had a van with no windows I would definitely be labeled a pedophile. I guess its a good thing kids don't hop into 2-door, untinted Chevy Cobalts. Woah there tangent, go back where you came from.

So this morning me and Joanne decide to go to the Farmers Market at Midtown Crossing because there was promise of a free Chik-Fil-A sandwich if you bought something. Any time you offer a chicken and pickle sandwich to me just for buying something I am sold. I offered to drive because my car was so far away I think we moved to a different zip code while walking. As I was pulling out I couldn't help but notice the car next to me had two teddy bears sitting on a couch that was perched in the back window. Really?! So that got me thinking about other things I don't like on cars and wonder why so many people think its ok?

1) Stuffed animals in the back seat. Why do you need to display all the animals you won from the claw game at Pizza Hut?? Does it make your car seem whimsical and timeless, like a modern day Peter Pan? Those poor animals don't stand a chance in the hot sun and you leave them there to roast every day. I'm sure that the puppy wearing the local sports team jersey and pink bear holding a heart would much rather prefer to be in your house with the other creepy dolls you keep on the shelves.

2) "My kid did this" bumper stickers. It should be more aptly named "My kid did something that you will in no way care about but I feel bad if I don't put it on my car" bumper stickers. I remember when I was little I got one of those bumper stickers for making the honor roll in grade school. I was so proud of it and I gave it to my dad to display somewhere that everyone would see. A few days later I found it plastered on the inside of one of his tool cabinets. Hindsight tells me that my dad felt the same way that I do about those stupid stickers so I can't fault him. I am all about celebrating your kid's achievements, but my only requirement is that I actually know you before I do.

3) Testicles on a truck. Dumb, stupid, and no it doesn't make you any more manly. Just like putting boobs on a VW Bug doesn't make it any more girly.

4) Leis in the rear view mirror. I admit when I was younger I had my fair share of things hanging from my mirror: a visor from the CWS, my high school tassel, and a multitude of leis. I am guessing that every girl must go through this phase, but I haven't quite figured out why. It automatically brands your car as 'female' which means there will be nothing but chap stick and Nsync CDs to steal. It would go nicely with the pair of boobs on the VW though.

5) Lights on the undercarriage. Why do you need this? You can't even see them because you are driving, so did you get them so others could have a mini light show when you zoomed by in your rice burner? Thats so fast AND furious! At least have it timed to music or something so I can be entertained when we are stuck next to each other at a red light. And no, I will not race you. I do enjoy making it sound like I DO want to race though and then when he zooms away I turn right and giggle to myself on the side street. Dumbass.

Now if you don't mind I need to get to the body shop to get lambo doors put on the Cobalt, I am going to be so badass.

Another Night, Another Lip Sync

After a particularly long Friday at work (typing up FAQs for my darling passengers, while useful, its completely mindless) I decided to come home and unwind. I have a horrible habit of dropping my things at the front door and reading the mail while heading to my bedroom. The mail is inevitably junk but I insist on reading every single piece just to make sure. So I read the pizza coupons and upcoming sales at Victoria Secret and chuck them to the side before plopping down on my bed in the newly appointed bedroom.

Wait...I should explain.

Long story short: I got tired of hearing the water drip in my original bedroom from the air conditioner so I decided to move EVERYTHING to the guest room/office. I am surprisingly strong for a little person. But back to the story at hand...

Typically I get off work earlier than my friends on Fridays, one of the many perks to my job. It is good when I have errands to run and people to see but on this particular Friday I had nothing to do - and that bothered the bejebus out of me.

So I log in to check my bank account and other mindless tasks I do on the internet to waste time. I decided to send my friend a music video from the 90s to get this weekend started off right. I searched for his page and clicked on the 'add video' button - wait, whats this?! An option to record a video right there on his wall from your web cam? GENIUS! A million ideas started running through my head: do I give a weather report from the -24 zip or should I send 5 minutes of me blankly staring at the webcam to give him the feeling that Im ALWAYS watching.

No wait, I got it. 90s techno lip syncing. Good gravy there is no way that could be awful! But what song? There were so many greats from the 90s including below:



Or how about this gem:



But my heart belonged to another band. One might say they were the REAL MCCOY...



So after listening to the song and uncontrollably punching the sky, I had to take to the webcam and record the joy I was feeling so my friend could share in the fun too! For those of you who have known me, this is not out of the ordinary. One of the perks of living alone is that I can lip sync in my mirror like I am 12 every morning and no one can judge me, so suck it Trebek.

I lip synced and danced my little heart out while the webcam filmed every awkward dance move. I am so cool, there is no way he won't appreciate this. I clicked send and giggled in anticipation to hear his reaction. The giggling stopped when I recieved a notification that my friend commented "WTF". WTF? Not really what I was thinking the first comment would be, I was hoping more along the lines of "What a masterpiece" - but whatever, I will take it.

What bothered me about the "WTF" post was that I did not think he was friends with my victim. In fact I couldnt recall a time when they could have ever met. I scoured through the 'common friends' page to prove that he, in fact, did not know who the video was intended for. Shit. This means that anyone who is lucky enough to be friends with me now has the power to view my masterpiece and comment on it. Double shit.

As of right now there have been 9 comments, most have been negative and encouraging me to get a hobby or revert back to being a wallflower. There has been one person who liked it though! Oh wait, that was me....damn. Its fine, my ego has not been bruised one bit because deep down I know that people thought it was a glorious piece of work and the effects of jealousy should be setting in any minute now.