Oh I wish I was a wiener...

Do you remember when you were a kid and life was riddled with the three basic “times”: play, nap, and story? It was blissful and every night you could go to bed in your little worry-free cocoon of happiness. The best part was the friends you made and how seemingly easy it was. “Hey, you have Strawberry Shortcake mittens, me too – lets be friends!” That one little article of clothing was all it took to become best friends and a lifetime of sharing pogs, lunches, and secrets.

Fast forward to present day…

You have a job, you have bills, you have responsibility. Play time consists of you singing horrible kareoke and drunk texting a guy you think might like you so sending that 2am text message will surely confirm this. You still watch a few cartoons before naptime, but that’s only because you are too hungover to do anything else. Story time is reading this blog and your friends’ Facebook status updates, my how you have broadened your horizons. Making friends can be a little more difficult in present day because if you try to be friends with someone because they have the same mittens as you, it could land you with a nutbag.

However, the friends you do make now are much more likely to last because we are all adults and can rationally express our feelings and make solid decisions.

Right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

Friendships sometimes fall apart. They fall apart because two people have grown distant from each other and sometimes they fall apart because disagreements get the better of us and we can never reconcile. Sometimes they fall apart because of hot dogs.

Personally, I hate when I lose friends over hot dogs. I cant even tell you how many times I’ve looked back and said ‘damn, I wonder how so and so is doing? Stupid hot dogs.’ Absurd, no? Ridiculous, asinine, and illogical? Absolutely. True story though? Hell yes, but not directly related to me. Allow me to elucidate…

I had a friend call me the other day to fill me in on all the past weekend activities I missed out on because I went out of town. Admittedly this is always my favorite part of when either of us take a vacation because it allows the vacationer to realize how messed up our lives are back home and also how painfully entertaining it is when we are on the outside looking in. Anyway she reveled me on stories of getting hit on, the typical drama we see every weekend, and also the atypical drama that happened that particular weekend.

It was at this point that I was going to go into detail about the story but I feel the Reader’s Digest version is pretty accurate so it went like this.

“Friend found hot dogs at a store that her friend with a hint of benefits loved and could never find. Friend took picture of hot dogs and sent to slight benefit guy. Slight Benefit guy wanted to know where to find them. Friend didn’t know and was busy tending to other friends who were drunk and entertaining. This led Slight Benefits to think she was ignoring him and he got grumpy. Being the rational, reasonable person he was he decided that since she would not divulge where the hot dogs were found he would delete her from Facebook. He also deleted anyone that could possibly be tied back to Friend as a fool proof way of proving his temper tantrum was ‘for realz’. The end.

Moral of the story is: “Don’t value hot dogs over your friends, or you end up looking like the wiener.” Haha, get it?

The only thing we have to fear...is everything.

Fear is such an invasive emotion. It can completely cripple a person, leaving nothing but a soiled pair of shorts and an out of control heartbeat. Everyone is afraid of something, whether they admit it or not, but how do these fears come about? I think there is a difference between 'fear' and 'things that you dont like'. I personally do not like Miley Cyrus but in no way do I fear her (unless she became a zombie, Im pretty sure that would be horrible).

There are two things in particular that I fear: bleeding from the mouth and shellfish. One is completely warranted and one I have no effing clue how it developed but it is borderline psychotic.

I used to love shellfish. I remember vividly going up to Seattle to visit family and eating oysters in the half shell over the fire. I also remember helping my Uncle Buck ride out into the ocean to collect his crab traps so we could dunk the poor bastards in a buttery garlic sauce. I salivated at the thought of 4th of July parties because that almost always meant there would be shrimp cocktail. Shellfish was my friend and I loved it.

One weekend in college I went up with some friends to visit our friend Kat in Minnesota. We were having a great weekend and decided to go to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. I of course ordered oysters in a half shell, a tip of the hat to my Seattle days. I got through two of them and I noticed my forearms were getting really red. And then itchy. No big deal, probably just all the mosquito bites I got from being outside all day. But the more I itched, the more they popped up. Then it got a little hard to breathe. While all this is going on my friends were out paying the bill and making their way back. I didn't say much, just wheezed that I needed Benadryl. So one girl is completely freaked out and gives me a paper bag to breath into. This would help if it wasn't already hard enough to breath, but I appreciated the attempt to help. Kat was still new to town and wasn't 100% where a Walgreens or pharmacy was so we went to a gas station. I popped those babies like they were candy and quite honestly the next thing I remember is driving back to Omaha the next day - but not before I had a dream about a sweet northern voice telling me to rest and visit an allergist when I got home (I suspect this was the nurse that dealt with me).

So I booked an appointment with the allergist when I returned to the homeland. Heed my warning, do not visit an allergist unless you absolutely have to. I'm sure there are other ways of determining if you have a food allergy but the route my doctor went was pricking my forearm over and over again with different allergens to see how I reacted. BLECH! No thanks - after 12 skin pricks he finally determined that I was allergic to shellfish, or some chemical found only in shellfish.

So with that knowledge I was extra cautious about what I ate. For awhile I would not eat anything that came from the ocean because what if that fish ran into a crab or shrimp and its chemicals got on it? No thanks, I will pass on the chance to have my throat close up again. I have lightened up a lot since then and will even go to sushi restaurants on occasion, but the fear still lingers that my next bite may be what sets me on a one way trip to the hospital.

Ok so the next fear, I will admit, is stupid. It is stupid until you are the one dealing with it. I cannot handle bleeding from the mouth or seeing other people bleed from the mouth. I am honestly not sure where or when it developed but Im pretty sure there is not a support group for it. Once I was at a friends house and he wanted to watch Kill Bill. I hadn't seen it but it was by Quentin Tarantino so how gory could it be? (har, har). The opening scene is of Uma Thurman laying on a church floor covered in blood, and her teeth are broken and bloody. (On a side note, I just got terrible goosebumps writing that) Well the blood and the teeth were so overwhelming that I ran for the bathroom to throw up. As I was running I could feel my stomach getting tighter and the power to hold it in was fading. I made it about halfway before I spewed behind his couch. I have rendered people speechless on a few occasions, but this one was by far the most awkward. I started crying because I was so embarrassed and disgusted because I had no idea where that came from, but he assured me it was probably just something I had ate. I actually believed that for awhile until I had my wisdom teeth removed. They knocked me out and when they were done and woke me up they had me sit up very slowly. I did but not before catching a glimpse of the bloody bib and gauze on the table next to me - I instantly passed out from the sight. Ever since then I cannot floss unless I close my eyes or watch someone bleed from their mouth without getting sick to my stomach - thank God Im past losing my baby teeth.

Beep Beep goes the car

My apartment complex hates people with cars. It is a well known fact that if you do not call it a night before 10pm you will have to park in the proverbial BFE. I ran into this dilemma last night after sober cabbing some friends home after the 2am bar close. As I approached the lighted sign for my apartment I had my fingers crossed that someone left after hours early right outside my building. No dice. I also found myself driving extremely slow and looking in every cul-de-sac for potential spots - if I had a van with no windows I would definitely be labeled a pedophile. I guess its a good thing kids don't hop into 2-door, untinted Chevy Cobalts. Woah there tangent, go back where you came from.

So this morning me and Joanne decide to go to the Farmers Market at Midtown Crossing because there was promise of a free Chik-Fil-A sandwich if you bought something. Any time you offer a chicken and pickle sandwich to me just for buying something I am sold. I offered to drive because my car was so far away I think we moved to a different zip code while walking. As I was pulling out I couldn't help but notice the car next to me had two teddy bears sitting on a couch that was perched in the back window. Really?! So that got me thinking about other things I don't like on cars and wonder why so many people think its ok?

1) Stuffed animals in the back seat. Why do you need to display all the animals you won from the claw game at Pizza Hut?? Does it make your car seem whimsical and timeless, like a modern day Peter Pan? Those poor animals don't stand a chance in the hot sun and you leave them there to roast every day. I'm sure that the puppy wearing the local sports team jersey and pink bear holding a heart would much rather prefer to be in your house with the other creepy dolls you keep on the shelves.

2) "My kid did this" bumper stickers. It should be more aptly named "My kid did something that you will in no way care about but I feel bad if I don't put it on my car" bumper stickers. I remember when I was little I got one of those bumper stickers for making the honor roll in grade school. I was so proud of it and I gave it to my dad to display somewhere that everyone would see. A few days later I found it plastered on the inside of one of his tool cabinets. Hindsight tells me that my dad felt the same way that I do about those stupid stickers so I can't fault him. I am all about celebrating your kid's achievements, but my only requirement is that I actually know you before I do.

3) Testicles on a truck. Dumb, stupid, and no it doesn't make you any more manly. Just like putting boobs on a VW Bug doesn't make it any more girly.

4) Leis in the rear view mirror. I admit when I was younger I had my fair share of things hanging from my mirror: a visor from the CWS, my high school tassel, and a multitude of leis. I am guessing that every girl must go through this phase, but I haven't quite figured out why. It automatically brands your car as 'female' which means there will be nothing but chap stick and Nsync CDs to steal. It would go nicely with the pair of boobs on the VW though.

5) Lights on the undercarriage. Why do you need this? You can't even see them because you are driving, so did you get them so others could have a mini light show when you zoomed by in your rice burner? Thats so fast AND furious! At least have it timed to music or something so I can be entertained when we are stuck next to each other at a red light. And no, I will not race you. I do enjoy making it sound like I DO want to race though and then when he zooms away I turn right and giggle to myself on the side street. Dumbass.

Now if you don't mind I need to get to the body shop to get lambo doors put on the Cobalt, I am going to be so badass.

Another Night, Another Lip Sync

After a particularly long Friday at work (typing up FAQs for my darling passengers, while useful, its completely mindless) I decided to come home and unwind. I have a horrible habit of dropping my things at the front door and reading the mail while heading to my bedroom. The mail is inevitably junk but I insist on reading every single piece just to make sure. So I read the pizza coupons and upcoming sales at Victoria Secret and chuck them to the side before plopping down on my bed in the newly appointed bedroom.

Wait...I should explain.

Long story short: I got tired of hearing the water drip in my original bedroom from the air conditioner so I decided to move EVERYTHING to the guest room/office. I am surprisingly strong for a little person. But back to the story at hand...

Typically I get off work earlier than my friends on Fridays, one of the many perks to my job. It is good when I have errands to run and people to see but on this particular Friday I had nothing to do - and that bothered the bejebus out of me.

So I log in to check my bank account and other mindless tasks I do on the internet to waste time. I decided to send my friend a music video from the 90s to get this weekend started off right. I searched for his page and clicked on the 'add video' button - wait, whats this?! An option to record a video right there on his wall from your web cam? GENIUS! A million ideas started running through my head: do I give a weather report from the -24 zip or should I send 5 minutes of me blankly staring at the webcam to give him the feeling that Im ALWAYS watching.

No wait, I got it. 90s techno lip syncing. Good gravy there is no way that could be awful! But what song? There were so many greats from the 90s including below:



Or how about this gem:



But my heart belonged to another band. One might say they were the REAL MCCOY...



So after listening to the song and uncontrollably punching the sky, I had to take to the webcam and record the joy I was feeling so my friend could share in the fun too! For those of you who have known me, this is not out of the ordinary. One of the perks of living alone is that I can lip sync in my mirror like I am 12 every morning and no one can judge me, so suck it Trebek.

I lip synced and danced my little heart out while the webcam filmed every awkward dance move. I am so cool, there is no way he won't appreciate this. I clicked send and giggled in anticipation to hear his reaction. The giggling stopped when I recieved a notification that my friend commented "WTF". WTF? Not really what I was thinking the first comment would be, I was hoping more along the lines of "What a masterpiece" - but whatever, I will take it.

What bothered me about the "WTF" post was that I did not think he was friends with my victim. In fact I couldnt recall a time when they could have ever met. I scoured through the 'common friends' page to prove that he, in fact, did not know who the video was intended for. Shit. This means that anyone who is lucky enough to be friends with me now has the power to view my masterpiece and comment on it. Double shit.

As of right now there have been 9 comments, most have been negative and encouraging me to get a hobby or revert back to being a wallflower. There has been one person who liked it though! Oh wait, that was me....damn. Its fine, my ego has not been bruised one bit because deep down I know that people thought it was a glorious piece of work and the effects of jealousy should be setting in any minute now.

Fish In The Sea of Love

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Of all the cliche lines you can give or recieve, this is the one I dislike the most. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea but some of them are bottom feeders. Besides, Im allergic to shellfish so I would prefer not to fall in love with someone who could kill me (although that does sound dangerously intruiging).

I decided to actively search for these 'fish' to prove my point and decided to go to the most common pool I could think of: match.com. I created a profile, added some pictures that I thought made me look good and cleverly cut everyone else out of them. I put in a few common buzzwords such as 'optimistic', 'honesty', and 'adventure' all while making myself sound as amazing as possible. I suspect if I was brutally honest my profile would read something like this:

"I am married to my job and really don't have time for a boyfriend unless you are also married to your job. I eat dinner over my kitchen sink and watch Golden Girls almost every night before bed. Bad decisions is my hyphenated middle name, I hate bachelorette parties, and I visit my parents almost daily even though I only live a mile away from them. I laugh at really stupid things, sarcasm comes naturally and I would do absolutely anything for my friends, family, and coworkers because they mean the world to me."

Instead it came out like this...

"Im Kailey, always willing to try something new yadda yadda yadda I like Italian food yadda yadda yadda I like making people happy yadda yadda yadda I will be honest with you if you are honest with me....bladda bladda blah"
Allright, fluff piece created. Lets see if I can catch any fish. Also I should mention that I did not pay for this at all. I am opposed to the idea of paying for a boyfriend - just like I am also opposed to fraternities and sororities because it is like paying for friends. What can I say, Im cheap and I have acquired some pretty good friends for free thank you!

The first guy that showed interest in me had the username 'Booger77' - jackpot. In his details he put random things in quotes like 'heart on my sleeve' and also 'fly by the seat of my pants'. These do not need to be in quotes, I know they are cliche phrases to express how intense and charming you are. Oh, and he doesn't own a TV - random fact that he felt was necessary to share.

The next one was my friend, that may be awkward if I don't respond.

Another guy is a Platinum member. What does this mean? It means that he has paid so much for his membership that people who don't pay for theirs can mooch off of him. Allright I will bite, lets see what his email says:

"So your job deals with travel. What is your bachelors degree in that you get to deal with travel so much? Have you been to a lot of places? Have you been out of the country? Whats your favorite state?
Hope to hear from you, "

Holy question overload Batman!! So I checked out his profile and the only thing he listed under Favorite Things was the show Lost. No thanks, hopefully someone else can benefit from your Platinum status.

The final one I will highlight (because trust me, I could write a book on this if I keep it going long enough) is a divorced man who immediately described himself as used goods. Props for being painfully honest! He also made it a point to note that he in fact DOES own the suit he is wearing in his profile pictures, for what it is worth. I would like to think I'm not shallow enough to fall for that, but a man in a suit is always sexy. Always. He went on to mention various things that he enjoyed which included blankets, breathing, and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I too enjoy breathing, we have more in common that I though we would.

If you are ever in the mood to do lazy people watching and Facebook stalking has lost its charm, I would highly recommend searching around on Match.com. God love all of you who have actually found love on that site and who put your hearts out there, but I'm allergic to fish and that pool is a little too shallow for me.

The Facebook Stereotypes

It is I, Kailey! I realize its been some time since I have jotted down my thoughts and for all 2 of my fans, I apologize. I would always get really good topic ideas on my way into work and then 12 hours later when Im sitting in front of my computer all I could do is play mindless games and surf Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, I was perusing it this morning and realized that I have some really predictable and/or nutty friends on there. They full embrace the stereotype they have been labeled and make everyone else look bad. For example...

1) The Like Addict

You know this person well because they show up EVERYTIME you update your status. They never comment or provide any insightful thoughts, just a simple thumbs up and they are done. The Like button is tricky because you can either really mean it or you are just too busy to write anything so you throw up the 'like'. Which is fine, except if you literally like everything. At first I didnt really notice because she would only like a few things. Then she started liking my friend's status updates. Then my family. Now she has moved on to liking the comments people post on my status on top of my status! Its out of control and I feel slightly violated - all because of a stupid thumb.

2) The "Cool Story Jeopardy Contestant"!

For those of you who watch the Soup you know exactly what this means: someone who tells a story or a tidbit of one and you are left with an udder sense of confusion as to why they decided to share that. I also noticed that this person does not typically post their story until a lot of people have responded to the comment, thus maximizing the crappiness of said story to people who probably dont know them. Once I wrote "Man I wish I could sleep in every Monday" and a few people commented with their approval, and then Jeopardy came along.
"One time I slept in on Monday but it was because my power went out and the alarm didnt go off. LOL"

NO LOL! That wasn't funny, that was unneccessary and I refuse to laugh at that.

3) The Obvious Question Kid

This one is my favorite - basically that person responds to your comment by asking you a question that can obviously be answered by said status update. A friend of mine put up a few days ago "People ask me why Im single" and some brain trust responded back: "Wait, youre single?" No, Im just a compulsive liar about my dating habits, Im trying to cut back. Who asks that?! Or if you put up a hobby you are currently doing, like "Going to play the piano for Grandma" and you get back, "You play the piano? Rockin!!" Nope, I dont play at all, its just something cool to say.

Stop asking dumb questions people, youre making the apes look smarter.

4) The Overly Sensitive Facebooker

One of my dear friends falls into that category and I believe she embraces it to its full extent. This person gets offended if you detag yourself from that picture he/she posted of you doing a kegstand while wearing half your clothes or the one where you LOOK drunk, but really it was just a candid shot that failed miserably. These are not pictures I want my family, coworkers, or even friends to see half the time so please dont get offended that I am hiding my shame. We are at a point in society that we need to present ourselves well at all times because you never know who is watching, and somehow I dont think posting a video of Brazilian Fart Porn on my wall is going to convey that. So lets use some discretion people!

New Music!

My friend Kat just recommended a new artist to me that is on her record label and I love her so much I have to share with everyone:) I love Kat for having the same taste in music as me, especially when she makes recommendations!!

Melanie Fiona, look her up. Actually here, I will do it for you:

http://www.melaniefiona.com/

I love "Monday Morning" and "Give It To Me Right"

Think Alicia Keys meets Leona Lewis meets Shaka Khan.

What do you think?