Beep Beep goes the car

My apartment complex hates people with cars. It is a well known fact that if you do not call it a night before 10pm you will have to park in the proverbial BFE. I ran into this dilemma last night after sober cabbing some friends home after the 2am bar close. As I approached the lighted sign for my apartment I had my fingers crossed that someone left after hours early right outside my building. No dice. I also found myself driving extremely slow and looking in every cul-de-sac for potential spots - if I had a van with no windows I would definitely be labeled a pedophile. I guess its a good thing kids don't hop into 2-door, untinted Chevy Cobalts. Woah there tangent, go back where you came from.

So this morning me and Joanne decide to go to the Farmers Market at Midtown Crossing because there was promise of a free Chik-Fil-A sandwich if you bought something. Any time you offer a chicken and pickle sandwich to me just for buying something I am sold. I offered to drive because my car was so far away I think we moved to a different zip code while walking. As I was pulling out I couldn't help but notice the car next to me had two teddy bears sitting on a couch that was perched in the back window. Really?! So that got me thinking about other things I don't like on cars and wonder why so many people think its ok?

1) Stuffed animals in the back seat. Why do you need to display all the animals you won from the claw game at Pizza Hut?? Does it make your car seem whimsical and timeless, like a modern day Peter Pan? Those poor animals don't stand a chance in the hot sun and you leave them there to roast every day. I'm sure that the puppy wearing the local sports team jersey and pink bear holding a heart would much rather prefer to be in your house with the other creepy dolls you keep on the shelves.

2) "My kid did this" bumper stickers. It should be more aptly named "My kid did something that you will in no way care about but I feel bad if I don't put it on my car" bumper stickers. I remember when I was little I got one of those bumper stickers for making the honor roll in grade school. I was so proud of it and I gave it to my dad to display somewhere that everyone would see. A few days later I found it plastered on the inside of one of his tool cabinets. Hindsight tells me that my dad felt the same way that I do about those stupid stickers so I can't fault him. I am all about celebrating your kid's achievements, but my only requirement is that I actually know you before I do.

3) Testicles on a truck. Dumb, stupid, and no it doesn't make you any more manly. Just like putting boobs on a VW Bug doesn't make it any more girly.

4) Leis in the rear view mirror. I admit when I was younger I had my fair share of things hanging from my mirror: a visor from the CWS, my high school tassel, and a multitude of leis. I am guessing that every girl must go through this phase, but I haven't quite figured out why. It automatically brands your car as 'female' which means there will be nothing but chap stick and Nsync CDs to steal. It would go nicely with the pair of boobs on the VW though.

5) Lights on the undercarriage. Why do you need this? You can't even see them because you are driving, so did you get them so others could have a mini light show when you zoomed by in your rice burner? Thats so fast AND furious! At least have it timed to music or something so I can be entertained when we are stuck next to each other at a red light. And no, I will not race you. I do enjoy making it sound like I DO want to race though and then when he zooms away I turn right and giggle to myself on the side street. Dumbass.

Now if you don't mind I need to get to the body shop to get lambo doors put on the Cobalt, I am going to be so badass.