Fish In The Sea of Love

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Of all the cliche lines you can give or recieve, this is the one I dislike the most. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea but some of them are bottom feeders. Besides, Im allergic to shellfish so I would prefer not to fall in love with someone who could kill me (although that does sound dangerously intruiging).

I decided to actively search for these 'fish' to prove my point and decided to go to the most common pool I could think of: match.com. I created a profile, added some pictures that I thought made me look good and cleverly cut everyone else out of them. I put in a few common buzzwords such as 'optimistic', 'honesty', and 'adventure' all while making myself sound as amazing as possible. I suspect if I was brutally honest my profile would read something like this:

"I am married to my job and really don't have time for a boyfriend unless you are also married to your job. I eat dinner over my kitchen sink and watch Golden Girls almost every night before bed. Bad decisions is my hyphenated middle name, I hate bachelorette parties, and I visit my parents almost daily even though I only live a mile away from them. I laugh at really stupid things, sarcasm comes naturally and I would do absolutely anything for my friends, family, and coworkers because they mean the world to me."

Instead it came out like this...

"Im Kailey, always willing to try something new yadda yadda yadda I like Italian food yadda yadda yadda I like making people happy yadda yadda yadda I will be honest with you if you are honest with me....bladda bladda blah"
Allright, fluff piece created. Lets see if I can catch any fish. Also I should mention that I did not pay for this at all. I am opposed to the idea of paying for a boyfriend - just like I am also opposed to fraternities and sororities because it is like paying for friends. What can I say, Im cheap and I have acquired some pretty good friends for free thank you!

The first guy that showed interest in me had the username 'Booger77' - jackpot. In his details he put random things in quotes like 'heart on my sleeve' and also 'fly by the seat of my pants'. These do not need to be in quotes, I know they are cliche phrases to express how intense and charming you are. Oh, and he doesn't own a TV - random fact that he felt was necessary to share.

The next one was my friend, that may be awkward if I don't respond.

Another guy is a Platinum member. What does this mean? It means that he has paid so much for his membership that people who don't pay for theirs can mooch off of him. Allright I will bite, lets see what his email says:

"So your job deals with travel. What is your bachelors degree in that you get to deal with travel so much? Have you been to a lot of places? Have you been out of the country? Whats your favorite state?
Hope to hear from you, "

Holy question overload Batman!! So I checked out his profile and the only thing he listed under Favorite Things was the show Lost. No thanks, hopefully someone else can benefit from your Platinum status.

The final one I will highlight (because trust me, I could write a book on this if I keep it going long enough) is a divorced man who immediately described himself as used goods. Props for being painfully honest! He also made it a point to note that he in fact DOES own the suit he is wearing in his profile pictures, for what it is worth. I would like to think I'm not shallow enough to fall for that, but a man in a suit is always sexy. Always. He went on to mention various things that he enjoyed which included blankets, breathing, and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I too enjoy breathing, we have more in common that I though we would.

If you are ever in the mood to do lazy people watching and Facebook stalking has lost its charm, I would highly recommend searching around on Match.com. God love all of you who have actually found love on that site and who put your hearts out there, but I'm allergic to fish and that pool is a little too shallow for me.